Wayward hubby whupped; Why teacher can't eh-spell

By Telmé Moore

Ah, the dizzying dancing way you feel when fairy tales come true. That's how I felt when I busted my brother, Lencho, dressed as the Sugar Plum Fairy when he made his run from Güera Harrington's 1972 Toronado parked on Salinas Street and into the downtown bistro.
"Beat it! You'll blow my cover," he hissed, his friend Caras Colendas toddling aside him in a deep-colored Homburg and a raccoon coat.
Once my eyes adjusted to la onda of le club and I got the general drift, I ordered a Cosmopolitan. The bar maid, a strapping chulota with lots of chest hair and a five o'clock like Billy Baldwin's threw a magazine at me filled with make-up tips, hairdos, and restoring trust in a failed marriage. Half an hour in the club and I was able to fill a couple of sheets of notebook paper on the comings and goings.
It was here that I ran into La Comadre Chucha who filled me in on the latest events in debulandia. No one takes Chucha very seriously, but she is a wealth of information, a veritable expert witness for divorce disputes and property settlement. She was comadreando with Mrs. Joe D'Lady Hu and Heidi H. Ho who themselves were Britannicas of Chismelandia.
We enjoyed our evening in the bistro. After a few slugs, the service got immeasurably better and the perros men all terribly handsome.
Stay away from the jambalaya and the hush puppies! Son of a gun, you won't have some fun because it's hairs d'oeuvre, that our little hostess served. Unable to live with her dogs in one world and her friends in another, things get kind of mixed up sometimes and at this or that entertainment event, and certainly in the kitchen. A bite into a delectable morsel could end up as a yuck patooie! into a cocktail napkin. It's fiber, all right, but not the bran you wanted. Gives the words puff pastry and hair o' the dog new meaning. The perruchos serve themselves in the kitchen. Need any more details?
The Wayward Hubby got found out and boy, is he whipped! He's practically volunteering to do mandados, household chores, and suegra duty. All appears well to the outside world, and it certainly will for the big party, but manitas, she's whupped our boy pretty bad. If he's walking the dog, do you suppose he is also doing some of the ironing and grocery shopping?
Could it possibly be true unbeknownst to his cocktail guests that our little tightwad has been saving the empties of very good liquor and re-filling with El Cheapo firewater? His comadre, the one who can still taste things, discovered the ruse as she helped him prepare for his last big fiesta and promised to tell no one. Of course, she did. She's using the other end of the funnel to broadcast.
Manitas y manitos, how do you like her now that she's got big bucks? Sangroncita from her birth of humble origins, now she's not very nice any more and there's nothing we can do about it.
Ay manitas y manitos, was I the only one who took notice of the way La Meany-Mouse was dressed at Meet the Tisher Night? Maybe she thought it was Meet the Single Parent Night. Her black and white polka dot gownlet was cut too short, and some complained they could see her tan lines because the Vee-back of her outfit was cut down to her waist. Did I forget to mention the black medias and white shoes?
Ear Bender. This one always has such a scandal for the newspaper, but when it comes to the nitty gritty on the record, he backs off and won't commit to details or being a credible part of the story.
Yes-No. Yes-No. Yes-No. The fatigued ingenue finally said, "Don't ask me to marry you again!"
Spiderwoman doesn't have a clue that the fellow she stops in the afternoon while he walks his dog through her 'hood is Spiderman, aka the Wayward Hubby.
He's doing it his buey. Talk about stubborn and skinflint, our boy wonder is skipping the architect and just slapping together an office complex.
An uplifting experience. Out there en los ranchos, the merry widow has gone through just about every kind of reconstructive surgery a woman could have. And now she's about to drag her hubba bubba boy toy through the grinder tambien. I wouldn't recommend the peel -- the ruddy look won't be a good fit for our chaparro prieto, who though redondito and handsome looks a bit short behind the wheel of that huge new four-wheeler.